Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”