“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.