catch me on valentine’s day like
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me My dog
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine