Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s cookie

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*