@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

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@KyleMcDowell86

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

@Henry_3000

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@ElgatoEsmio

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

@SvnSxty

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see