*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You Might Also Like
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Me, in DM rooms…
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Gods work.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
#math
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!