MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You Might Also Like
“Describe yourself in one word.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“What’s your name?”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*
*quarter falls out*