[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
You Might Also Like
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
mechanics be like
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it