*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.