*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.


Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.


ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?


Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?


A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”


[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really



–spirited debate


Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed