@fartoothinky “Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
@Rollmaninoz *Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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@fartoothinky 
@funnyordie The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
@trumpetcake Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
@TheToddWilliams ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
@SkippyMcGizzard Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
@AmishSuperModel If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
@Kyle_Lippert A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
@Ygrene [Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
@fro_vo “ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
@Cryptoterra Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed