Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I triple waxed for this?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”