Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Who knew!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
why I oughta
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*