[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Beware…..
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
two people or more is called a problem
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage