Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?