@shesananteater

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@De_ja_vu_who

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@TheToddWilliams

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

@clichedout

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most