Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Was it something I said?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
You had me at “define legal”.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat