Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
This 4th of July, please remember…
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from