Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

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“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a


*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…


This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.


god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi


What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”


Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…