“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.