cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Cartman: Respect my
a a
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Fidel Castro was alive?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.