cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.