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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.