Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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yes… yes…
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You wish you had this many chins.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?