Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life
Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free