cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm