Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here