Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
From my Mom
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
🤭😂
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.