Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
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The cashier just checked me out.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”