Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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worst…sale…ever
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.