*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.