Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.