@Matt_The_1st
@Petote Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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@Petote 
@1followernodad *whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
@River_Niles OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
@Yankeegiant72 The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
@PJTLynch Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
@cupcakelynda My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
@Daisyldoo Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
@TheAlexP Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
@TheTweetOfGod “Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
@CornOnTheGoblin Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.