@Matt_The_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

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@Petote

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

@River_Niles

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

@Yankeegiant72

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

@PJTLynch

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@Daisyldoo

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.