Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay