@AlexvanBeek

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

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@OtherDanOBrien

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@HiddenPinky

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

@twelveyearsold

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

@heartbread

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

@amburgklur

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.