Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.