Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather