Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
There is no try. There is only give up.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy