Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.