#catsoftwitter
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.