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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”