#Caturday
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The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I am, perchance
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.