#Caturday
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I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.