#Caturday
You Might Also Like
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.