#Caturday
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did