#Caturday
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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe