Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”