Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
What’s so funny?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”