CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.