CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Today’s Times
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.