Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
my name if I was in the mob
*puts words between two asterisks*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say