Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.