Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc