Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
You Might Also Like
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.