@slimmy_shady

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

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@QwertyJones3

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@AimeeHelene1

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

@ParaJanitor

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.