@QwertyJones3 My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
@slimmy_shady Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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@QwertyJones3 
@pixelatedboat To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
@Molly_Kats You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
@AimeeHelene1 *yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
@enigmaterics I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
@athleisure_monk me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
@ParaJanitor I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
@1_swarthy_dude Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
@murrman5 I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.