Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.