My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.