Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
How dude HOW?!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?