Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m putting together a team
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.