Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Sign of the day..
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Basically.