cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
#parenting
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
🙋♀️
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Childbirth is so beautiful
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive